I used to be a runner. I would do numerous races throughout the year and one marathon per year. I’d run 5-6 times a week and took pride in how I felt and how I looked. Running cleared my head, gave me a little peace I often lacked other times and helped me vent my frustrations. That was my life pre-baby. Now? Between taking care of the baby, working a full-time job and trying to get anything done around the house, there’s no time for exercise anymore. And I hate it. I feel gross and out-of-shape. And I know that everybody says I have to take care of me if I want to be any good for the baby but seriously? Where am I supposed to find the time and energy?
I’m worried that my body will never be the same. I’m worried that my belly will always have that spare tire look and I’ll never be toned again. I’m worried that my husband will never again find me attractive. I’m worried that Peanut will grow up thinking her mom is lazy and weak. Oh, I worry all the time. If I spent as much time and energy working out as I did worrying, I’d be in supermodel shape.
I belong to a gym (and not a cheap gym either, unfortunately) and have been paying the membership dues dutifully for years. Yet, I can count on two hands the amount of times I’ve actually been to the gym since I got pregnant in August of 2009. Sad, huh? My membership is expiring at the end of the month and after grappling with the decision (continue to throw money away in the hopes that one day I’ll find a spare hour when I can get to the gym and also not feel guilty that I’m taking time away from my baby who I don’t see enough as it is? let my membership expire, therefore basically throwing in the towel and admitting that I’ll never be in shape again?), I’ve decided we just can’t afford to keep paying for something that gets no use. But honestly, I feel pretty crappy about it. I feel as if I’m admitting defeat.
And also? Just writing, “I used to be a runner” bummed me out. Maybe by putting this all out there, I’ll be inspired to find a way back to it. Maybe, just maybe, I can soon write a post that starts out, “I am a runner.”