Used To Be

I used to be a runner.  I would do numerous races throughout the year and one marathon per year.  I’d run 5-6 times a week and took pride in how I felt and how I looked.  Running cleared my head, gave me a little peace I often lacked other times and helped me vent my frustrations.  That was my life pre-baby.  Now?  Between taking care of the baby, working a full-time job and trying to get anything done around the house, there’s no time for exercise anymore.  And I hate it.  I feel gross and out-of-shape.  And I know that everybody says I have to take care of me if I want to be any good for the baby but seriously?  Where am I supposed to find the time and energy? 

I’m worried that my body will never be the same.  I’m worried that my belly will always have that spare tire look and I’ll never be toned again.  I’m worried that my husband will never again find me attractive.  I’m worried that Peanut will grow up thinking her mom is lazy and weak.  Oh, I worry all the time.  If I spent as much time and energy working out as I did worrying, I’d be in supermodel shape. 

I belong to a gym (and not a cheap gym either, unfortunately) and have been paying the membership dues dutifully for years.  Yet, I can count on two hands the amount of times I’ve actually been to the gym since I got pregnant in August of 2009.  Sad, huh?  My membership is expiring at the end of the month and after grappling with the decision (continue to throw money away in the  hopes that one day I’ll find a spare hour when I can get to the gym and also not feel guilty that I’m taking time away from my baby who I don’t see enough as it is?  let my membership expire, therefore basically throwing in the towel and admitting that I’ll never be in shape again?),  I’ve decided we just can’t afford to keep paying for something that gets no use.  But honestly, I feel pretty crappy about it.  I feel as if I’m admitting defeat.

And also?  Just writing, “I used to be a runner” bummed me out.  Maybe by putting this all out there, I’ll be inspired to find a way back to it.  Maybe, just maybe, I can soon write a post that starts out, “I am a runner.”


6 thoughts on “Used To Be

  1. I am right there with you. But spring is here and before you know it the streets won’t be perilously slick. I’m really hoping that the jogging stroller we spent all that money on will be a fun thing that I can do with the baby (thus negating the guilt of not spending enough time with my boy). Perhaps you and Peanut can both be runners.

    PS Your blogs are a great reminder when I feel like nobody could possibly understand how hard being a new mom is, that there are other women going through the same things.

    • Leigh, we actually bought one of those fancy jogging strollers and have literally only been out with it twice. It has been a tough winter so hopefully once it starts getting nicer out, we can actually try to do this more!

  2. Mommy and me weekend yoga or mommy and me swimming? It’s not huge, but maybe it will help. My daughter loved the swimming and it was nice to be doing something out of the rut but you’re right, it’s hard to find the time and energy. I shouldn’t even talk really. I haven’t taken her since last November and I don’t even work full time outside of the house but it’s an idea? 😦

  3. I actually just started running after my second child. I wish I liked it, but I do it because…well, I’m not sure why I do it. Hopefully, once you thaw out you can use the jogger. I bet she will enjoy watching everything whiz by. My best friend’s daughter sings songs in her jogger. Recently, it was about dinosaurs. Try to cut yourself some slack-hard I know. You’ve gone through a MAJOR lifestyle change. It’s going to take time to figure out how to fit everything back together. It does get easier once they get older to fit more “me” time in. 🙂

  4. Ack! i totally know that feeling! I’m amazed I got through grad school without gaining a spare tire! I wanted to let you know, though about this website where she designs workouts that are usually 20 mins or less and that you can do at home. 🙂 it’s and i’m a total convert. I never ever had ab definition before her workouts. hope that helps.

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