You ever have those times when you have so much to say you find that you can’t say anything at all? As if all of the stuff going on paralyzes you to the point where you just shut down? Yeah, that’s me. There’s a reason I haven’t written a blog post in forever: we’ve got stuff going on and most of it is stuff that I’m not really happy about.
First and most foremost, we’re moving. Not just moving from a small apartment to a bigger apartment. Not just moving from the city to the suburbs and back again. No, we did all those things in the space of 16 months not that long ago. (We’ve had a lot of addresses in the past 3 years; I guess we move a lot.) This is a bigger move. This is a move from my beloved hometown of NYC – where I grew up, where my family is, where my job is, where my comfort is – to a state that I never, ever wanted to live.
About 6 weeks ago, my husband got a call out of the blue from somebody he used to work for. They wanted him to be their new weekend morning anchor at the local tv station. Great news, right? After all, my husband has been wanting to get back on-air for 3 years. Since the day he gave up his job in Miami 2 weeks before we got married because I said I would never live in Florida. Too far away from everything I’m familiar with. Too damn hot. Too damn Floridian for me. Oh, and did I mention that it’s too damn hot? Since that time, he’s been in a series of jobs that haven’t satisfied him and that just didn’t use his talents. So, this phone call should’ve been met with celebration. But? Because obviously, there’s a ‘but’. Well, the station is in Orlando. Friggin’ Orlando, Florida.
I wanted to just say no. Flat out no. No, you cannot take a job that would uproot our whole family. No, you cannot take a job that would require me to leave my job and make me unemployed. No, you cannot take a job that would take our daughter out of the daycare we all love so much. No, you cannot take a job that takes us so far away from our families and takes Peanut away from her beloved grandparents. No, you cannot take a job in a city that requires year-round air conditioning. No. Just No.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because 3 years ago, my husband made a sacrifice for me. He gave it all up to marry me and never once complained about it or made me feel guilty. How could I not give him the same consideration? So, we talked about it. And talked. And talked. Then I cried. And cried. And cried some more. Because I felt like I was in a complete no-win situation. If I said no, I would feel terrible and guilty and shameful. If I said yes, I would be miserable and sad and lonely. Eventually, I wimped out; I just forced him to make the decision. Cowardly, right? There has to be a part of me that recognizes that I did this so that when I am miserable and sad and lonely, I can blame him. You made this decision. You chose this, not me. I feel bad even admitting that but I’m not as good a person as my husband is. I wish I were but I’m not.
So, he decided that he really wanted this job. And I couldn’t say no. So…we’re moving to Orlando. I’m devastated and scared and frankly, freaking out. There are so many things I’m freaking out about, I don’t even know where to begin. Will we make friends there? Will it ever feel like home to me? Will Peanut be happy there? Will I find a job? Will I lose my sanity being a stay-at-home mom until I do find work? This last part is the part that freaks me out the most. I’ll write more about this later because I have an awful lot to say on this topic but for now, I can’t think about it too much.
In two weeks, Peanut and I will be on a flight to Orlando. We’ll meet my husband there who is driving down in a U-haul filled with all of our worldly possessions. I feel as if I’m doing a slow march to an uncertain future and I’m filled with dread. Yet, my husband is excited and I really, really want to be excited for him and with him. I hope that someday I can figure out how to do this. I hope I can be as good a partner to him as he’s been to me.
Anyway, that’s only part of what’s going on in our lives right now. I think the paralysis is easing up some and hopefully I can write more about everything, even though it’s hard. It’s hard to write about sad stuff, about stuff that fills me with anxiety, about stuff that feels overwhelming. But it also feels good to get it out there so expect to hear more from me soon…