What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Long before we moved to Florida and I had to leave my job, I had been thinking about the next stage of my career. Truthfully, as much as I may miss it now and lament the loss of it, the bloom had started to come off the rose when it came to my job. I had been in TV for a long time and it takes a toll; the hours are irregular, the pressure can be immense and there was always a sense that there may be a shelf life for my particular line of work. I had started to feel the expiration date coming quickly upon me a few years ago and while I contemplated what else I could possibly do, I came up empty. I’ve been working in news my whole adult life and I’m not particularly qualified to do anything else. I’ve got no skills other than working in television and though I have to believe that my many years of dealing with immovable deadlines, stressful environments, crazy people and high-tech equipment certainly gave me some kind of an edge over other people, realistically nobody wants to hire somebody for a job that they have no experience in at all. So, I stayed in my job that I didn’t necessarily love (or sometimes even like) any more because really, who was I to complain? The pay was good, the company benefits were great, I never had to dress up for work and I was damn good at it. But the whole time in the back of my head was the thought: what next?

This move was supposed to be my opportunity – the chance to break away from something just because it’s comfortable and figure out what it is that I really want to be when I grow up. You know what I’ve come up with? Nothing. It’s pretty disheartening, really. In fact, I met with a recruiter the other day and he asked me a series of questions to get to the heart of what I wanted to do and my answers were pathetic. If money was no object, what is your dream job? Hmm [pause for far too long while I try to come up with an answer]…dunno. If something were to happen to you right now, what would you regret? Um…not losing the baby weight earlier? (Yes, I realize this is not at all the answer he was looking for.) What do you love to do in your free time? Free time? What free time?

I walked into that meeting hoping for some guidance, leads and maybe even answers. I left feeling more lost, confused and in despair than ever. I started to wonder if I had any passion at all. You know what’s worse than not having your dream job? Not having a dream at all. My birthday is quickly approaching so I have to confront the fact that I’m soon about to enter my very last year of my 30’s (which FREAKS me out, by the way) and I can’t believe that I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I never imagined that I’d be this age and not have it all figured out.

Do most people really just work to earn a paycheck and nothing more? I want to work because I think it makes me a happier and more fulfilled person as well as a better mother but the reality is that there are family sacrifices that have to be made when both parents work and if I’m going to take time away from my daughter and husband, then it has to be something that I truly love. If only I could figure out what that is.

Tell me: do you love your job? If not, do you know what you would want to do if money wasn’t an issue?

 

 

On Being a (VERY) Reluctant SAHM

Well, the move is complete and we are now officially Orlando residents. We’ve been here for about a week-and-a-half now and my husband started his new job last week. He’s really enjoying it and while it’s nice to see him excited about work again, I’m having a really hard time.

Over the last 2 years, after I went back to work following a 12 week maternity leave, all I wanted was to spend more time with Peanut. I’d even fantasize about being able to stay home with her. When I had to work nights and I’d go a week or more without being able to put my daughter to bed, I thought there was nothing I’d like more than not having to worry about how my work schedule was affecting my ability to be a good mom. Of course, I would complain about having to juggle parenthood with a full-time job and of course I would feel guilty and of course I would feel as if I could never give any area of my life 100% of me. So yeah, I talked a big game about how great it would be to be a Stay At Home Mom.

But really? If you had asked me to be completely honest, I would have told you that there was no way on earth that’s what I would want. It’s easy to talk about it and dream about it when you know it’s not gonna happen. The thing is…I’m just not SAHM material. Believe me when I tell you this is not a knock on those moms that do stay at home with their kids. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I bow down to those parents because taking care of kids all day is hard. Like, really freaking hard. I know this just based on the weekends when by Sunday night I would start to feel a small -and secret- sense of relief at the fact that I would be going back to work the next morning.

So…I’ve been a SAHM for a week now. I’d like to tell you that I’m handling it with grace and dignity but I’m not. I don’t know who I am anymore without a job. I don’t think I ever realized how much my work defined me and it shames me to have to acknowledge that fact. I worked in television for 17 years. My job was a technical one that required skill and you know what? I was damn good. No, I may not have been the best in the industry but I was good and I took a lot of pride in it. I never had a typical 9-5 office job and while the schedule could often be tiring (nights, weekends, holidays, you name it), I loved it. The fact that I have to talk about it in the past tense now really bothers me. I spend most of my days feeling lost, depressed and resentful. And of course, the biggest one: guilt. Shouldn’t I be happy to be home with my kid? My amazing, funny, smart kid? Shouldn’t I be counting my blessings right now? Should I have my mom card revoked for not wanting to be home with my daughter all day?

But really, who am I now? When people ask me what I do, what do I say? I used to be a technical director? Now I’m just a mom? Yes, I know saying that I’m “just” a mom isn’t accurate. Being a mom is huge, it’s everything really; I haven’t lost all perspective. I’m aware that my family comes first and there’s nothing more important in my life than my daughter and making sure she’s happy and healthy. Yet here’s a truth I have to recognize: I’m not the best person for the job. I’m not the most qualified candidate to fill her days, to educate her, to cultivate her artistic sensibilities or to entertain her. Frankly, most of the time I don’t know what to do with her. I love her but that’s not enough is it? Maybe when she was just a baby and all she needed was to be loved, nurtured, fed and changed. But she needs more now – her time in daycare showed me that. She flourished in daycare and in fact, when she left her teachers wrote a note that said, “Whatever you do, keep her in art! She has an artist’s soul-the joy she gets from creating is palpable.” I’m ashamed to say, she hasn’t done any art since her last day in daycare. The guilt eats away at me. Oddly enough, I think I feel more guilty now then when I went to work every day. At least then I knew that she was in an environment that was stimulating her and she had friends to play with. All she’s got now is a sad, depressed, lost and confused Mom. And that just sucks. Don’t get me wrong: I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible and I truly believe I am meant to be a mother….just not one that stays home.

I’m hesitant to write about this because I’ve found that there’s no group that gets judged more than Moms. No matter what we do, people always have an opinion and seem to judge us more harshly than anybody else. I read an article online the other day written by a woman who was a SAHM for 8 years; she was about to head back to work full-time after all those years and was finally admitting that she didn’t enjoy staying at home with her kids. Based on the comments, you would’ve thought that she was confessing that she had kept her kids locked in the closet and only fed them once a week. They were practically vitriolic in their judgement. If you don’t want to raise your kids, you shouldn’t have had them; what kind of a parent are you that you don’t find satisfaction in being with your kids?; maybe you should’ve just gotten a dog instead…there were more but most of them were along that same line of thinking. Apparently, moms are only allowed to work if it’s absolutely and totally financially necessary. If it’s just something that we’re doing to feel like a whole, complete person? Well then we are terrible, awful mothers who should be ashamed of ourselves.

So yes, judgey people of America, you win. Because I do feel ashamed of myself. But that shame doesn’t do anything to make me happier or make me want to be a SAHM. All it does is make me feel guilty. I want to be completely present and available for my daughter when I’m with her and I think I can do that better when I’m not with her all the time. Today, I wasn’t allowed out of her sight. I literally couldn’t go further than 2 feet away from her before she would yell at me, “COME HERE Mommy!” I couldn’t make her lunch, do laundry, feed the dog or go to the bathroom by myself. The women that love to do this? That find complete joy and satisfaction in raising their kids themselves and can do it without losing their minds? I think you are Gods. Seriously, I admire you in a way that you will never know. Because I’m not strong enough for it and I wish I were. Instead I feel like I’m drowning. I know that being in a new, unfamiliar city where I don’t know a single person other than my husband and daughter isn’t helping. Still, I’m pretty sure that all the well-meaning people that keep telling me that it’ll be all better once I meet people or join some kind of a mom’s group are a little misguided. Yes, it’ll be nice to socialize with other moms but what I really need is to figure out who I am now and what’s best for my daughter.

And with that, Peanut just woke up from her nap…

Mommy Wars

I know this topic has been covered ad nauseum in practically every single parent blog known to mankind.  And it’s not like I think I have anything new or insightful to add to the fray but since it’s my blog and nobody reads it anyway, I have a few things I want to say about this. 

The other day, I was doing some research on nannies.  (And by “research”, I mean Googling.)  I stumbled upon a forum on one of the more popular sites, probably babycenter or something like that.  Now, I’ve checked out babycenter every now and then.  It’s good for checking out milestones and stuff like that: making sure my kid hasn’t fallen too far off track when it comes to the basics such as babbling or rolling over or whatever.  But beyond that, I don’t delve too deeply into it.  Anyway…the Google machine led me to a link about a mom who wrote on a forum that she was upset because her kid seemed to be preferring the nanny to her.  She said that her child cried for the nanny at night.  She was obviously distressed and a bit heartbroken. 

And…cue the vitriol! 

As you may have guessed, people viciously attacked her.  What did you expect when you decided to prance off to work every day and leave you precious child with somebody who isn’t their mother?  Didn’t you think about this before you had kids?  How DARE you have children knowing you weren’t going to be home to raise them?  Where are your priorities?  Nice to see that the almighty dollar is more important to you than  your own child.  And so on and so forth.  I was saddened but not surprised.  I read enough blogs to know that Moms can be the worst kind of judgy McJudgersons around.  Every time one of my bookmarked bloggers writes a post about either (a) being a stay-at-home mom (“SAHM”) or (2) going back to work, the comments section explodes.  Criticizing other people’s choices or being smug about their own choice.  It just never seems to end.

Full disclosure: I work.  And yes, I feel guilty about it and worry about it and miss my kid like crazy every minute of the day that I’m not at home.  I work out of necessity but have a sneaking suspicion that even if I didn’t have to, I might want to.  Because my husband has more patience than me.  Because I worry about my sanity being at home with a baby all day.  Because I like eating with two hands and without a baby constantly trying to reach for whatever I’m putting in my mouth.  Because I hope someday my daughter will know financial independence and I feel like the best way I can teach her that is by showing her that her mother earns money. 

But then ask me on other days, and I’ll say that I’d like nothing better than to be a SAHM.  Because the bond between mother and daughter is precious and I want to make that as strong as possible.  Because I genuinely enjoy her company and she makes me laugh like nobody else.  Because I want her to feel safe and secure, knowing that she will always be taken care of.  Becuase I hope that someday my daughter will know life is about choices and she’ll know that just as her mother made a choice to stay home, she too can make whichever choice is right for her. 

The point is (and yes, I do have one…I think…): why are we so judgemental?  Why do we feel the need to knock others down?  Does it make us feel better about our own choices because we’re all basically conflicted but don’t want to admit it?  Because as adamant as most mothers sound about knowing that their choice is the right choice, I truly believe that every single one of us has days in which we wish we were doing the opposite.  As I sit here at work, pining away for my daughter’s milk smell and beaming smile, I wish desperately that I were home with her.  And I also know that if I were a SAHM, there’d be days when her crying would be out of control and her newfound mobility would exhaust me and I’d be wishing I were at work, reclaiming my career and bringing home the bacon. 

And so we need to defend our choices and the way most of us seem to do it is by knocking down those that made the other choice.  The one we secretly wish we had made.  C’mon, moms.  Seriously?  How does that help us?  How does that help our children?  It doesn’t.  And all it does is create an environment of resentment, guilt and anger.  Let’s try something new: let’s end the Mommy Wars once and for all, ok?